Anyways, I offter FLIKTOR! (without the porn and completely platonic. But it still is FLIKTOR!). I wanted this piece to be good but I'm pretty sure it isn't what I want it to be. Either way,
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amei comment. I need to know if I got it right or not.Fandom: Suikoden I and a bit of Suikoden II.
Summary: Flik and Viktor have hang-ups.
Word Count: 314.
Warning: Watch out for the grammar mistakes. Tenses are my enemy.
..........................
Years ago, when Flik had an arrow sticking out of his shoulder and Viktor was bleeding from a head wound, the two of them had gotten completely drunk on the wine Viktor had managed to filch, while running away from a crumbling castle. The wine, supposedly the good stuff, though Viktor swore was watered down, dulled the pain when the arrow head was removed from Flik's shoulder, and had smoothed out the swearing when Viktor's head wound was treated. They had continued to drink well after their injuries were treated, and in a moment of half drunken brilliance the two had decided to compare scars.
It started pretty simple; Viktor had showed Flik the thin white line on his knuckles, an accident from a practice fight. Flik showed Viktor the mark on his right ankle, an accident with a hot iron. The whole process soon dissolved into angry shouts about the girliness of the other's scars (Viktor still twitched whenever someone commented that the rapier was a girl's weapon). Viktor never remembered what made him do it, but in a fit of anger, he had pulled his shirt over his head and turned his back to Flik. Viktor hadn't been sure what it looked like anymore; all he knew was that there was a long jagged scar to the left side of his spine. It had meant to be a killing strike.
'Got it from Neclord.'
That should have ended the competition, except Flik had rolled up his left sleeve to his elbow, and showed Viktor the puckered flesh on the back of his forearm.
'Someone was aiming for Odessa.'
Viktor had offered Flik more wine, and the two had got pissed. So royally pissed that several years later, Flik could never quite figure out how Viktor and he had ended up leading a group of bumbling fools against one royalty or another.
...........The End..............
Comments and Criticisms appreciated. (Will get those tense mistakes.)
[EDIT:
baka_neko, THANK YOU!]
Page Summary
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chasethestars
chasethestars
Comments
Change 'girlness' to 'girliness'.
(Viktor still get a slight twitch whenever someone comment on a rapier being a girly weapon)
Wrong, erm phrasing or tenses or whatever. Should be: "Viktor still twitched whenever someone commented that the rapier was girly weapon". *cackle* Viktor is so henpecked. *clucks*
To this day Viktor can't remember what made him do it, but in a fit of anger he had pulled his shirt over his head and turned his back to Flik.
Again, should be: "Till this day Viktor never remembered what made him do it, but in a fit of anger, he had pulled his shirt..." Yay fanservice! XD
Someone else may disagree-- but I'm rather iffy about using till/to this day. It's too much in the present tense. I'd rather use 'years later, Viktor...', but your mileage may vary.
That had pretty much ended the competition except Flik had rolled up his left sleeve to his elbow, and showed Viktor the thin line on the back of his forearm.
Regarding this, since you practically contradict the first part of your statement, I'll rather amend the statement to say: "That should have ended the competition, except Flik had rolled up..."
Don't fear to hurt the bishonen! Give him a long jagged scar if necessary-- it's gotta be something that can really compete. Fight scars aren't usually clean unless it's a surgical incision, and given that battlefields are more like butchers, it shouldn't be pretty anyway.
So royally pissed that several years later Flik still can't really tell you how Viktor and he had ended up leading a group of bumbling fools against some or other royalty.
"So royally pissed that several years later, Flik could never quite figure out how Viktor and he had ended up a group of bumbling fools against one royalty or another." I don't quite like the ending-- there's a proper phrasing to it I'm sure, but I can't remember what it is for the life of me."
They're so cute. XD XD XD
Should be:
"Viktor still twitched whenever someone commented that the rapier was a girl's weapon".
"So royally pissed that several years later, Flik could never quite figure out how Viktor and he had ended up leading a group of bumbling fools against one royalty or another."
*runs to change bits*
That could be because I'm a big baby and I would so notice the pain. Quite frankly, if I got an arrow in any non-fatal body part, I'll either whine like mad till I got STRONG painkillers (you could use that instead? Or a Medicine or something?) or I'll faint from the pain.
The scar thing is also personal-- I sliced my own finger once, and years after, there's this thin, curved scar. It's not a neat little line, it was from a pretty sharp kitchen knife and I wasn't even using a lot of strength. So I'm assuming if someone wants to kill you, they wouldn't be doing this artistic line of scarring.
Now, if only I could be this objective about my own writing...
FLIKTOR LOVE!!!!