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Naruto: Mandatory Training

  • Mar. 1st, 2005 at 11:03 PM
naanima: (Default)
Still awake. Can't sleep. Have unfinished fic/drabble.

NARUTO
TITLE: Mandatory Training
STATUS: WIP. Unlikely to be finished >_>
WARNING: None really.
SUMMARY/SPOILERS: After Sasuke's Grand Exit *koffs* He make some wrong turns.



Despite what people might think at the present moment Sasuke was not an idiot. Going with the Sound Nin was not the best idea in his twelve years of life, but things were a bit blurred at the time. There was a lot of anger, a lot of frustration, and just a bit too much fear because Sasuke knew that one more inch and Naruto would not have stood up again. So really, Sasuke could not be blamed for blacking out a section of his memory. Leaving Naruto on the rocky ground bleeding like a pig and trekking into the dark forest (if Sasuke had believed in signs the dark forest really should had been a clue) took more stamina than any 12-yr-old had. Sasuke does not think he was in his right mind at the time to know exactly what he was doing. So really, Sasuke could not be blamed if he could not remember how he had ended up on a mountain he did not recognize, surrounded by flying squirrels giving him the evil eye.

..... TBC (hopefully).



c&c.

Comments

[identity profile] rayemars.livejournal.com wrote:
Mar. 2nd, 2005 02:25 am (UTC)
Only Sasuke could claim to walk up a mountain and not notice it was there. *grin*


A lot of my comments are little grammar things:

Despite what people may think at the present moment Sasuke was not an idiot.
"Might" instead of "may" would maybe keep the tenses from switching from present to past?

Going with the Sound Nin was not the best idea in his twelve years of life, but things were a bit blurred at the time. There was a lots of anger, a lots of frustration, and just a bit too much fear because Sasuke knew that one more inch and Naruto would not have stood up again.
I think I would use "leaving" or "departing" or something to that effect with "with the Sound Nin," but that might be just because down here, 'going' is a euphamism for dating (though I like the thought of the Sound's Four becoming Sasuke's harem *grin*). Also, it only needs to be "a lot" instead of "a lots."

Leaving Naruto on the rocky ground bleeding like a pig and the trek into the dark forest....
I think "trekking" instead of "the trek" would make the sentence run smoother.

Sasuke does not think he was in his right mind....
You've been using the past tense in the last few sentences, but here you suddenly switched to the present. Maybe "did not" instead of "does not"?
[identity profile] naanima.livejournal.com wrote:
Mar. 2nd, 2005 04:06 am (UTC)
Thank you ^_^

Changed the mistakes. Was going to change 'Going' into 'leaving' but decided a Harem of Sound Nins for Sasuke was too good to miss. MWAHAHABWAHAHA!

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witty, somehow

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