Fandom: YnM, set after the Kyoto arc (spoilers... sort of).
Words: drabble, 178 words.
Summary: Oriya on mornings (and Muraki, but he really isn't important). Not meant to be taken seriously.
Warning: Run-on sentences are present. Mistakes are all mine.
Oriya was not so naïve as to believe that he would feel Muraki’s death. But then again, he did not need to believe the man was dead when he could still feel the greyness of Muraki humming in the back of his mind. Soft and gentle.
(Persistent. Like a damn leech.)
So, it wasn’t a great surprise when said leech greeted Oriya one early morning with a smile and a polite, ‘Good Morning, Oriya-san. I hope I’m not intruding.’
Oriya had raised a brow (ignoring the clench of his chest), walked up to Muraki at a sedate pace (no reason to hurry), and after a slow contemplation, in which Muraki had stared at Oriya with a bemused expression, Oriya had pivoted his hip, and delivered the most elegant lower kick that he had ever performed. The resounding impact was quite satisfying (the bruising on his shin will be worth it).
While Muraki slowly picked himself up from the floor, Oriya settled down, pulled back his sleeve, and poured tea for two.
‘Not at all Muraki-san. Pass the rice, please.’
I have no idea. But do comment. Even if it is just to flame me, at least that way I'll know I have done this horribly wrong.
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chasethestars
chasethestars
Comments
you haven't done it wrong - a little more polishing and it's a heck of a drabble =D
Help?
Fix up the technical things here and there and that's great *G*
Ready to learn. Need to be told exactly what I need to change.
Oriya wasn’t so naïve as to believe that he’d feel Muraki’s death. But then again, he did not need to believe the man was dead when he can still feel the greyness of Muraki humming in the back of his mind. Soft and gentle.
first sentence: shortened "wasn't" and "he'd" -- it's not incorrect per se, more that IMHO I think it would 'sound' better if you made the latter into "he would".
second sentence: you changed from past tense into present tense and didn't notice *g* "But then again, he did not need to believe the man was dead when he could still feel the greyness of Muraki humming in the back of his mind.:
(Persistent. Like a damn leech.)
NIce and squishy? Silver white leech? *gets thwapped by Muraki*
So, it wasn’t a great surprise when said leech greeted Oriya one early morning with a smile and a polite ‘Good Morning, Oriya-san. I hope I’m not intruding.’
You lost a comma before the dialogue :P
Oriya had raised a brow (ignoring the clench of his chest), walked up to Muraki at a sedate pace (no reason to hurry), and after a slow contemplation, in which Muraki had stared at Oriya with a bemused expression, Oriya had pivoted his hip, and delivered the most elegant lower kick that he had ever performed. The resounding impact was quite satisfying (the bruising on his shin will be worth it).
Ohhhhh I liked that.
While Muraki slowly picked himself up from the floor, Oriya had settled down, pulled back his sleeve, and poured tea for two.
Might just be me again, but the flow of the paragraph before this, you'd might as well put these two together. One of those things I can't explain exactly why it feels better to me, but hey, it makes sense in my mind *shrug*
‘Not at all Muraki-san. Pass the rice, please.’
Dunno if the '-san' was intentional, becasue characteristically Oriya doesn't use the honorific with Muraki, in fact I don't think he uses it with anyone. Same goes for Muraki -- he doesn't use the honorific with Oriya.
(Random note: OMG Evil!Anakin Skywalker looks damned COOL *_* want EpIII nownownownownow!)
On Anaking. It's the HAIR! The nice, long hair.... and the fact he doesn't look that young anymore... but yes, the ahir *drools* And we all know EVIL=HOTNESS!
Technical corrections, as per request: The only jarring thing is the shift from past to present tense every now and then. when he can still feel the greyness should be "when he could still feel". bruising on his shin will be worth it should be "would be worth it". It needs to go that way because you used "his shin". If it was "my shin", then it would properly be "will be worth it". But that would be out of step with the tense you've used so far for Oriya's thoughts.
Mm, also While Muraki slowly picked himself up from the floor, Oriya had settled down should be something like "By the time Muraki slowly picked himself up". Either that, or you need to get rid of had and make it "While Muraki slowly picked himself up from the floor, Oriya settled down" etc.
Not horribly wrong at all. ^_^
Need to get rid of the had.
Thanks!
That? Was the most beautiful thing I've read in a long time. Thank you for getting Oriya right. He doesn't cry over Muraki, he doesn't ask if he's all right or what he's going to do now - he beats the bastard's ass, and then offers him tea.
Exactly! Oriya is not the type to cry over people, he might do the silent sorrow thing, but he's not going to cry (well, let's forget the begging on his knees thing. I call it a one off occurrence and it's highly unlikely to happen again).
And Oriya is so kick arse *happy sigh*