Fandom: YnM, set after the Kyoto arc (spoilers... sort of).
Words: drabble, 178 words.
Summary: Oriya on mornings (and Muraki, but he really isn't important). Not meant to be taken seriously.
Warning: Run-on sentences are present. Mistakes are all mine.
Oriya was not so naïve as to believe that he would feel Muraki’s death. But then again, he did not need to believe the man was dead when he could still feel the greyness of Muraki humming in the back of his mind. Soft and gentle.
(Persistent. Like a damn leech.)
So, it wasn’t a great surprise when said leech greeted Oriya one early morning with a smile and a polite, ‘Good Morning, Oriya-san. I hope I’m not intruding.’
Oriya had raised a brow (ignoring the clench of his chest), walked up to Muraki at a sedate pace (no reason to hurry), and after a slow contemplation, in which Muraki had stared at Oriya with a bemused expression, Oriya had pivoted his hip, and delivered the most elegant lower kick that he had ever performed. The resounding impact was quite satisfying (the bruising on his shin will be worth it).
While Muraki slowly picked himself up from the floor, Oriya settled down, pulled back his sleeve, and poured tea for two.
‘Not at all Muraki-san. Pass the rice, please.’
I have no idea. But do comment. Even if it is just to flame me, at least that way I'll know I have done this horribly wrong.
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chasethestars
chasethestars
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Oriya wasn’t so naïve as to believe that he’d feel Muraki’s death. But then again, he did not need to believe the man was dead when he can still feel the greyness of Muraki humming in the back of his mind. Soft and gentle.
first sentence: shortened "wasn't" and "he'd" -- it's not incorrect per se, more that IMHO I think it would 'sound' better if you made the latter into "he would".
second sentence: you changed from past tense into present tense and didn't notice *g* "But then again, he did not need to believe the man was dead when he could still feel the greyness of Muraki humming in the back of his mind.:
(Persistent. Like a damn leech.)
NIce and squishy? Silver white leech? *gets thwapped by Muraki*
So, it wasn’t a great surprise when said leech greeted Oriya one early morning with a smile and a polite ‘Good Morning, Oriya-san. I hope I’m not intruding.’
You lost a comma before the dialogue :P
Oriya had raised a brow (ignoring the clench of his chest), walked up to Muraki at a sedate pace (no reason to hurry), and after a slow contemplation, in which Muraki had stared at Oriya with a bemused expression, Oriya had pivoted his hip, and delivered the most elegant lower kick that he had ever performed. The resounding impact was quite satisfying (the bruising on his shin will be worth it).
Ohhhhh I liked that.
While Muraki slowly picked himself up from the floor, Oriya had settled down, pulled back his sleeve, and poured tea for two.
Might just be me again, but the flow of the paragraph before this, you'd might as well put these two together. One of those things I can't explain exactly why it feels better to me, but hey, it makes sense in my mind *shrug*
‘Not at all Muraki-san. Pass the rice, please.’
Dunno if the '-san' was intentional, becasue characteristically Oriya doesn't use the honorific with Muraki, in fact I don't think he uses it with anyone. Same goes for Muraki -- he doesn't use the honorific with Oriya.
(Random note: OMG Evil!Anakin Skywalker looks damned COOL *_* want EpIII nownownownownow!)
On Anaking. It's the HAIR! The nice, long hair.... and the fact he doesn't look that young anymore... but yes, the ahir *drools* And we all know EVIL=HOTNESS!